census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
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