a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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