dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
