You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
