I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
did you just send me my own nude
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
