see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
Randomize
