dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
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