I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
