Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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