Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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