My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
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if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
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I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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