I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
