right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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