I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
