It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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