I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
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