"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
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I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
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Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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