note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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