i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
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