Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Randomize
