i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
