If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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