apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
