I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
