my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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