If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I need to calm my uterus...
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Randomize
