Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
