I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
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