i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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