if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
