This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
