Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
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