hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
is it fun? or sober?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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