Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
