oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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