Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
