He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
