$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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