so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
