I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
a search helicopter?!
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
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