You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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