If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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