Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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