I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just found a bag of teeth...
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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