I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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