i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I had to cum in my sink.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
