i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
