Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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