Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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