i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
