Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
