you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left