You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.