i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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