I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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