I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
