last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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