I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
