sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
