how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
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we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
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They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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