For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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